My Faith

Ten years ago, today, I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. It is not an easy thing to be diagnosed with a condition you know nothing about, and find out that it could be chronic. For the past ten years, I have held on to hope that I would be well and whole and that my body would work properly, especially my stomach. I have progressed, but still fight daily. I know that I would not be where I am today if it weren't for all of the love and support from family and friends, and if it weren't for my faith. I have probably shared this video before, but this young girl shares some of the thoughts I have on this condition, as she shares her battle with gastroparesis.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-02-003-god-will-lift-us-up?category=topics/hope&lang=eng

Starting Over!

Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I have a good groove going with my Gastroparesis. It bothers me, but I fight back. It attacks my immune system but I have more control over it than I have ever had. However, that does not mean immunity from other issues. I have definitely had my fair share of trials. 

Over the past month or two, I have been hit with a lot of changes, most which were very unexpected. I do okay with change sometimes. When I have notice. Or I am expecting it. Anyways, I have found myself at the end of my rope. It has been hard to deal with all the changes while still trying to remain positive.

Then I look at others who are battling their personal battles with chronic conditions, disabilities, injuries, or difficult times. It is hard to see others struggle or see even see the trials they are going through. However, I have come to the conclusion that many times, while dealing with challenges, we need to take a step back, look around, analyze the situation and start over. 

With that being said, I'd like to make an announcement:

I am in the middle of starting over. I have chose three words to focus on this year (see my personal blog for more information on those) and believe that those will help me to get stable footing on solid ground. While thinking about how hard this starting over process has been, a song came to mind.

The Middle of Starting Over  - Sabrina Carpenter

Cast out to sea
Drifting with the tide
And no way of finding me
Now that I'm free
Nothing but blue skies
Paradise in front of me

Awake from this dream
I hold my breath and just believe

Tired of all the troubles
They've been wasting my time
I don't wanna fight
Gonna leave it behind
Taking on faith
Now I'm ready to fly
I'm in the middle of starting over
Back to the beginning
Gonna hit rewind
Chance to do it over
To get it right this time
Life gives you pennies
Turn them into dimes
I'm in the middle of starting over

Alone, in a room
Tearing down the walls
Painting over scars and bruises
Now, this is home
Fill it up with love
And make the best of something new, yeah

As hard as it seems
I hold my breath and just believe

The colors in the stars
Seem a little brighter
Tomorrow isn't far away!
Through the hardest part
I'm working towards a happy ending

Tired of all the troubles
They've been wasting my time
I don't wanna fight
Gonna leave it behind
Taking on faith
Now I'm ready to fly
I'm in the middle of starting over
Back to the beginning
Gonna hit rewind
Chance to do it over
Get it right this time
Life gives you pennies
Turn them into dimes
I'm in the middle of starting over

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLcdPpjKKH )

At first, I just thought this song was a catchy melody. When I listened to the words, I realized it was so much more and it goes deep. Sometimes starting over is the best thing to do in any situation. Last night, I was doing a puzzle with some friends. We all stepped back from the table and came back. As soon as we were back, we found and put together more pieces. It was proof that stepping back during hard situations helps. I believe the song explains what I want to say so much better than I could ever. 

We can break down walls, paint over bruises and scars, take on faith, hold our breath and believe. It's not easy, but in the end, starting over is just what we may need.

Relaxing Every Day!

I was given an assignment to find something to do to relax. The I was challenged to do one thing, every day, to help me relax. It is crazy how much of a killer stress can be. It can paralyze. It can make sick. It can cause insanity. It can turn the most calm person into a basket case.

Here is what I decided.

Every day can be stress-filled. When it starts to feel overwhelming, I need to have an escape. Here is what I have decided to do. I am going to find ten things that help me relax and write them down on strips of paper. When I notice the stress coming on, I will draw one of these strips and do the activity on the strip. This will help ensure that I am doing at least one thing, every day, to help me relax.

Here are the ideas that I have:

-Take a walk
-Write a short story or article
-Take some nature pictures
-Do ballet stretches


As you can see, my list falls short of ten things. I know there are lots of ideas out there but my brain seems to be stumped. Now I am turning to you. Please share any ideas that help reduce stress or calm you down when you are stressed.

I would love to hear any and all ideas!!!

Comfort

Recently, there seems to be many people struggling with some very difficult things. There have probably always been these struggles, but they seem so much severe now, or maybe, they are more recognizable now, than before. I have no clue what they are feeling or what they are going through. My heart breaks for them. However, I do understand going through a trial where there are few who understand how one is feeling. As I have pondered this, I have realized that although understanding helps, in every trial we need find comfort in it, whether it be through someone else, a higher power, or within ourselves, which is easier said than done.

I remember one day, within six months after my diagnosis, when I had a moment of realization of the affects gastroparesis could  have on my life. I was struggling to get things under control and knowing what I could and could not eat. I was sick. I was weak. I was discouraged. I was frustrated. This moment of realization shook me to the core and I broke down. What a blessing it was to have a true friend see what was going on and take time to talk to me and support me through my tears, fears and anger. She did not understand what I was going through, but she listened, cared and provided comfort. That meant the world to me.

To those who are struggling now with difficult news, with a new diagnosis, with an unbearable hardship, or dealing with an incredible challenge, I say to seek comfort. It could be through a dear friend who is willing to sit, listen and cry with you. Maybe it can be found in hours of quiet meditation. It could possibly be found in finding joy and blessings within. They hard part is that each situation is so different and there is no surefire way of finding peace and comfort.

Recently, I sat watching So You Think You Can Dance. The choreographer, while talking about the dance, explain that girl portrays anxiety and the guy represents a place where she can find comfort. The dance was moving. There were smooth moments and then there were moments of chaos. There were times when things seemed peaceful and good, but then, moments hit. In reality, you can replace anxiety with whatever trial you are going through. Put that in. Over the past ten years, I have seen how dealing with a chronic condition is much like this. There are smooth moments when life seems good, then something happens and that peace disappears in an instance, and it is hard. it's a continuous cycle.

The dance was set to a song that is used quite frequently. This time, it made more sense. "In the arms of angels, may you find some comfort in." The video is below. (There are longer videos online that have the explanation of the routine.)

Thank you to the FOX YouTube Channel for this video clip.

It is not easy going through trials, especially those that leave you broken and struggling to find joy or hope. To those friends of mine who have been dealing with devastating problems, emotional hardships, and life-altering challenges, seek the peace and comfort that can help. Seek someone who can help you to face these situation, with a little more ease (though it may never be easy). Please know there are many out there who are thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. On a personal note, I wish I could be there for each one of you, to listen, to cry, to hug, to comfort. Please know that I am doing what I can from where I am at, as I know how vitally important it is to have a support system or find someone with whom you can find comfort, if even for a second. 

You are loved!

Keep Moving Forward!

Two years ago, I wrote a post about how motivational children's movies can be. Click Here for a Reminder.

Recently, I was told to read that post again and apply it to my life over the past 3 months. What an experiment this has been. My focus, as I re-read it, was on moving forward through and during trials.

The clip from Meet The Robinsons really rang true. He failed. But not one person judged him or told him he was awful, although that is what he was telling himself. In his mind he made a mistake. He didn't reach his goal. He was a disappointment to those around him. However, in their eyes, he hadn't failed, but had taken a step to moving forward or progressing to success or the ultimate goal.

I have set a goal for myself to run a half marathon. For me, with my health conditions (especially gastroparesis) this has been a very daunting task. Every time that I watch a race or run, I get emotional thinking of all the stories behind the finishes and the strength of those who overcome. It would make me excited for my turn.

In May, I signed up for a half marathon and really began to focus and train. It was so exciting and I had faith that I was going to be able to do it. Then in June, disaster hit and I became sick. The sickness lasted 6 weeks and knocked me to completely out of shape. Every day and week that passed, I knew I was that much further from reaching my goal. When I started exercising again, I pushed myself because there was 6 weeks before the half and I wanted to make it. This probably wasn't the best idea but I kept moving forward. Then, two weeks before the half, I was running my long run (10 miles) and ended up hurting my foot (stress fracture). Once again, I determined it was because of my health and because of the rate I tried to move forward. Yet, I felt like a failure.

That's a pretty depressing story, right? Well, hopefully that is not the end. You see, I emailed the race organizers and they have deferred my registration until next year, which means as soon as the boot comes off, I can start slowly training for next year and gradually work into in. Did I reach my goal this year? No. Did I fail? No. Why? There is still hope. There is still next year. My health and well being comes first, and as hard as it may be to come so close, I have taken steps towards my ultimate goal. I have come closer than ever before. Next year will be better.

Moving forward, no matter what the circumstances, helps us to reach our ultimate goals, whatever they may be. As you deal with your condition, you learn what is logical and possible. You have to listen to your mind and heart, but most of all, your body. You can only do so much. Apparently this is a lesson I have not learned completely yet, but I am trying.

This is a different take on the previous post, and that is the point. Life has changed over the past 2 years. I am in a completely different life situation and am fighting new battles. All of this has been taxing. However, I have not let it stop me, though I have wanted to stop so many times. Every day, new trials will come. New challenges arise when they are least expected. The hard par it to keep going. It would be so easy to give up when times get hard, but in our minds we can keep saying.....

"KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

Gastroparesis Awareness Month

Ten years ago, I started experiencing symptoms of an unknown condition and continued to have those symptoms for the next 8 months, without knowing why. When I finally received a diagnosis of gastroparesisin  April of the following year, I was confused. I had never heard of such a condition. I couldn't pronounce it. I couldn't remember the name. I just remember knowing that my stomach was lazy. A few weeks later, I had learned the name of my condition and that in reality, my stomach wasn't lazy, it was paralyzed. Not only that, I learned that my whole gut appeared to be paralyzed.

Education was an important part of the process to bring to where I am right now. I did research. I tried to figure out why it was happening, how to make it better and what exactly it was. It was difficult explaining it to others and I tried to avoid those awkward conversations. 

These days, I know more about the condition. I am able to explain it to others and I am able to live a normal life. However, whenever I mention my condition or attempt to explain it, the most common reaction is that the person has never heard of it before. Gastroparesis is not very well known, yet a very real condition. In fact, people have died due to the malnutrition that takes place in harsh cases.

August is Gastroparesis Awareness Month.

There are many ways to become educated.

On this blog, there are links to a few websites. Here is a link to the website on the above poster: http://www.aboutgastroparesis.org/

Ask questions of someone who has this condition. For me, I would rather people ask me questions and not assume they know what works for me or the best things.

There is so much education and research that is needed to help find treatments and cures for this condition and raising awareness is key.

Happy Gastroparesis Awareness Month!

Sit It Out or Dance?

Nostalgia hit as I was driving down the road, after a long day at work. I was exhausted. I hadn't had energy in over a month, due to medical issues, and I was ready to be done with them, though they wanted to stick around. I wanted to run. To exercise. To feel carefree. I wanted things to be "normal", whatever that means. A slower song came on the radio and I mindlessly went to change the radio station. Something stopped me. A song started playing that was so inspirational to me when I was in high school. The rush of memories enveloped me and the words of the song lingered in my mind the rest of the drive home. The song: "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack.



(Video from YouTube)

You see, in high school, dancing was pretty much my life. I danced any chance I got. I was a part of a competitive team, my basement became a studio, and sometimes, I was even known to dance through the grocery store. I remembered liking this song the first time I heard it because it what about dancing. Then, I listened to the words and like it even more. Looking back, the trials I went through then seem so small, but I was convinced that dancing through life would ease the burdens that would come. It motivated me to keep going and move forward without fear.

I listened to that song so much, that after a while, I did get a little tired of it. However, hearing it again, I realized how deep the meaning is and how applicable it is right now, especially battling the physical and other issues that have been sent my way.

Here are some of the lyrics:

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder"
"Always keep the hunger"
"Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens"
"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance"
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance"
"Never settle for the path of least resistance"
"Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin'"
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance."
"Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone"

When battling chronic conditions, and any other condition or sickness, the lines above can be both motivating and uplifting. Shortly after I became sick with gastroparesis (and before knowing what I had), I was told to find things that calmed me. One of those things turned out to be dancing. I was in a situation where I could not dance a ton, but doing simple stretches and barre exercises seem to help me get lost in the movement. It brought peace.

I know that I am no the only who has seen doors close, lost hope, would have rather taken a smoother path or wished for an easier life. I know that the fear of the obstacles ahead can be paralyzing. I know that by not taking chances, we are more apt to have regrets in the future. Our drive, wonder, hunger, and hope will help us to look back and be satisfied knowing that we did our very best.

I understand not everyone dances. I don't believe that is the complete message of this song. If you are not a dancer, insert an uplifting or freeing hobby or talent in the place of the word dance, like hike, run, skip, sing, draw, hunt, etc. The hope is that you take the opportunities that come your way, and embrace them, no matter what challenges and/or difficulties you have.

One last line:

"May you never take one single breath for granted".

Live life to the fullest and make each day the best, despite what you may be facing. You have the choice to sit it out or to dance.

Believe me, if all else fails, Dance (or swim, or bike, or soar)!!!!