Masks

I have been a slacker. Every time that I have gotten on to write a post, something happens and I stop writing. Maybe it is because I try to keep this blog upbeat and motivational and I was personally struggling with so many different issues, that I was having a hard time trying to build up others when I couldn't do the same for myself. I have come to realize that it is okay to have hard times. In fact, it's human. With that being said, here is the post. It may not be all positive. It could be a little religious. It will be the truth though.

Halloween was a fun holiday, as a kid. However, as I have gotten older, it has become one of those holidays that I don't enjoy as much. Don't get me wrong. A few years ago, I was in Salt Lake on Halloween and there were so many cute little kids walking around in their costumes. That was fun to watch. You may be thinking, "What does Halloween have to do with struggles and difficult times?" The answer is one word:


MASKS!!!

Let me explain. On Halloween, when a mask is put on with a costume, it hides one's identity and allows them to take on a different persona. They become a ninja, a superhero, or a witch. Think about it for a minute. What masks do you put on when you don't want people to see who you really are or what you are feeling?

This is something that I have realized that I do, and I know others that do it as well. We (myself and the people I know who do it) don't want to appear weak, vulnerable, or needy. When we get those feelings and have to go out in public, we put on a happy face and prep excuses like being tired or busy in case someone sees through that mask. We don't want to disappoint anyone by being discouraged, angry or sad.

This happens regularly and is what has been happening with me. On top of my stomach, I've been having vocal issues and have been doing therapy to get the voice back. A few weeks ago, we were working on some conversational sentences. We had a breakthrough and it brought up all sorts of feelings and emotions (which I thought was really strange because it was vocal therapy and not therapy for emotions). One of the sentences I was working on was "I am good". I could not bring myself to say it because I knew it was a lie. I had realized that I had been wearing this mask for the past 4 months that told people that I was fine and happy, when I really had all sorts of struggles and inner turmoil. Because I had put on the mask, I hadn't allowed myself to express the emotions that I had and they and built up inside of me.

Removing the masks we wear is not always easy. Here are some steps to take to help with that process. They have helped to remove my masks, be who I really am, and stand up for myself and my needs.

1. Learn to understand and recognize what you feel and want

2. Don't let others thoughts and opinions force you to do something that you don't want to do.

3. Write your feelings down and why you are feeling that way.

4. Find a trusted friend and talk through everything with them. Ask them for help overcoming the feelings and advice, support and friendship.

5. Indulge in something that makes you happy. (a good movie, brownie sundae, a sporting event, etc.)

6. Don't expect everything to get better all at once. Understand that it is a process

7. Celebrate the little victories.

8. Realize that taking care of yourself and what you want comes before what others want from you.

9. Make an earnest effort to truly express yourself, even it is just to talk to yourself when you are alone in your room.

10. Be honest with yourself and others. If you are good say it. If you are okay, then say it. If you are struggling, share that. You can do that is a different way like "I've been better".

I'm sure there are other steps, but these are the things that I have found to help me to be me and remove the masks that I put on. One of the other steps that I took, was taking this to a higher power and asked for help from a loving Heavenly Father to help me recognize my problems/issues and find the best ways to overcome those.

Days may come where wearing a mask may be necessary. When that happens, put the mask on and wear only as long as you have too. The soon you can take it off, the better. Once it is off, find a way to express yourself, through written or spoken word shared with just your self or a trusted friend or family member. It truly helps to get the emotions out of there.

On Halloween, masks are worn to cover the identity of a person and make them in to someone new. Eventually, after all the festivities are over, the masks are taken off and the people return to their own self. We cannot hide who we are forever, but every once in a while, we may need to mask who we are or how we feel. The important thing is to make sure you understand who you are and how you feel, so you can be the best you possible.

Brave

I have been doing a lot a traveling to and from appointments. Although some of the time I spend contemplating and wondering, I cannot do that all of the time. I tend to listen to the radio to give me noise. I have found some pretty great songs that are so motivating.

Today, as I was commuting to my appointment, a song came on that I had heard before but took on a whole different meaning. What song is it? Brave (Sara Bareilles) It hit me when I heard the line "let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave." I began to think how many times do we yield our own progress because we are too scared to what may happen, or don't think we can do it, or lack the courage to take that blind leap of faith. Yet, if we are brave, we won't worry about those things.

What is the hardest part about what you are facing? What can you do to be brave so that you can see the success? How you get rid of the fears that plague you?

Here's my story. Currently, I am in vocal therapy because I have been without a voice for 3 months. These three months have been difficult. Through the therapy, I have realized that I am scared to make certain noises. I am struggling being loud, because I lack the confidence in everything function correctly. I fall back on the old habits, which are easier and more comfortable. As I listened to this song, it reminded me what therapist has said about letting the words come out naturally and making it easier. Today she even mentioned it takes confidence. This part of the song hit me at that point:

"Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is"

We have to face our fears (easier said than done, I know). If people choose to judge us, that is their problem. If things don't work out or come out exactly how we want them to, there is always next time. We can take these experiences, be brave, and make each effort a little better and a little easier.

Through this loss of vocal ability, I have learned how important our words and speech really can be. It has made me realize that when I talk, I want it to be something that will help someone, help me, or make a difference.

Think for a minute of a trial you are facing. How has it affected you and how has your fear impeded the process? Now think, how can you change that fear and show "how big your brave is"?

Check out the video. It is super-fun and made me smile.

Motivation & Miracles

We all have sayings that help us to get through the struggles life throws at us. When I woke up this morning, I had a song enter my head, and it has yet to leave. As I have listened to it and pondered the words and meanings, it has become motivational to me. We get down and discouraged during hard times. We can turn to our comfort foods, our de-stressing activities, or just clam it all in. However, when things pop into your head that could help, please look into them. They will help.

The words to this song were just what I needed to hear.

"When You Believe"

Many nights we pray with no proof anyone could hear
And our heart's a hopeful song we barely understood
Now we are not afraid although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long before we knew we could

Oh yes, there can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracle you can achieve, when you believe
Somehow you will, you will when you believe

In this time of fear when prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds, too swiftly flown away
And now I am standing here, my heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words, I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles when you believe
When you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will, you will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask and
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice, says love is very near

There can be miracles
Miracles
When you believe
When you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Somehow, somehow, somehow
Somehow you will, you will, when you believe

You will when you believe
You will when you believe
Just believe
You will, you will
Just believe
You will, when you believe

Songwriters
EDMONDS, KENNETH / SCHWARTZ, STEPHEN

This song was written for "The Prince of Egypt". The above-version is the one performed by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. Below, is the version from the movie, from YouTube.

What a message. There can be miracles. They happen daily. Some choose not to look at them as miracles, and that is fine, but great things happen but we need to believe and have hope that this mountain we are climbing will show us exactly what we are needing.

Right now, I am looking for a miracle. Even thinking about what I so badly desire and hope will happen, fills my heart with gratitude that there is a possibility, even though I lose hope easily on bad days, when things get rough or I cannot do everything I want or need to do and cannot do everything that everyone expects of me. However, we can achieve almost whatever we set our minds to, though it may not be achieved in the way we want.

One miracle that I have hoped for is for my stomach to be restored back to it's working condition. That has not happened. What has happened, which is a miracle, is that I have accepted it and learned to make the best of it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that this acceptance came in the time I wanted it or asked for it. The important thing is that it came!

This song has become my motivation while I am earnestly seeking for the next miracle to happen. Is it easy. Not really. But, having this song in my head has helped me to do my part so that the miracle can and will happen. Think of something that motivates you to be better and use that to give you more hope and strengthen the hope you have.

Just remember this part of the song: "But when you're blinded by your pain, Can't see your way safe through the rain. Thought of a still resilient voice, says love is very near. There can be miracles"

"Just Keep Swimming"

I am a huge fan of animated movies, especially ones that have sayings that motivate me. Mulan was one of those shows, where a few things were said, and my first thought was "Wow! That is awesome! I need to remember that." Sounds a little crazy, I know. But how many times do we turn to a feel-good movie or book to help us when we are struggling.

Let me share with you one of the lessons that I have learned through a movie that has helped me during bad health days or other struggles. With gastroparesis, you have bad days called flare ups. The extent of these flare ups vary by day and person, but mine usually consist of pain, fatigue, and nausea (usually bad enough to prevent me from eating much at all.). In the beginning, on days like this, you would find me in bed or on the couch, curled up with a book or watching a movie. On one such day, I had some stuff that needed to get done and I knew I had to do it no matter how blah I felt. I was lacking motivation, and a thought came into my head. "Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming" said in the sing-song voice of Dory from Finding Nemo. It made me chuckle and I got up and did what I needed too. Need a reminder of that scene? Here you go, from YouTube:

It has served me well to remember to keep going and move on with life, even though hard times come. Gastroparesis, or any chronic health problem for that matter, could impede one's life, if they let it. You have to make the best of the situations you are handed and act. Once we start or keep "swimming" we do not focus so much on how we feel or our problems, and it helps us to keep going.

If we don't keep going we may end up regretting it. When we keep "swimming" we will either succeed or fail. No big deal either way. Some days we try to keep moving and keep distracted but it doesn't work so well. At least we learned how much we can actually do in a day.

I love this message from Meet The Robinsons, that I found on YouTube:


Click Here To View (I Could Not Get The Video to Work Here. Sorry!)


Basically, my advice to you is this. When you are having a rough day, scared for what tomorrow may bring, frustrated with pain or trials not allow you to live life to the fullest, or just plain tired, remember these two sayings: "Just Keep Swimming" and "Keep Moving Forward".

My Diet

There is one question that I get asked quite a bit, that is hard for me to answer, so I thought that I would address that in this post. Out of care and concern, people ask me what I can and cannot eat. Gastroparesis involves problems breaking down foods in the digestive track. Because of the, it is best to avoid high fiber foods that take more effort to breakdown. One website said that an ideal GP diet should be low fat and low fiber. While this works in some ways, it is not 100% true for me. Below is a list of foods that work and do not work for me.

FOODS THAT WORK

• White Breads/Rolls
• Applesauce
• Soup (Unless tomato based or full of meat)
• Juices (low acid drinks)
• Milk
• Pastas (Cooked well)
• Pudding
• Yogurt
• Jello
• Carrots (Boiled well)
• Crackers (Not whole wheat)
• Potatoes (Mashed, boiled, baked, etc.
• Tortillas (flour or white corn)
• Cheese (Sometimes yes, Sometimes no)
• Pancakes/Waffles
• Ice Cream/Frozen Yogurt/Popsicles
• Cakes/Donuts/Brownies (Any junk food really, unless it has nuts, coconut, or acid from lime, lemon, or orange type foods)
• Alfredo sauce
• Macaroni & Cheese
• Nutrition Drinks (Boost, Slim Fast, Ensure, etc.)
• Chips
• Peaches and Pears (Other fruits, if pureed or super soft and not seedy and low acid
• Fruit Snacks

FOODS THAT DON'T WORK

• Meat (Though thin turkey or moist chicken sometimes works)
• Tomatoes
• Oranges, Lemons, Limes
• Raw fruits and vegetables
• Cooked vegetables: corn, peas, celery, etc.
•  Whole-wheat and wheat breads
• Lemonade
• Granola/Granola Bars/Oats
• Dried Fruits
• Nuts
• Rice (Unless cooked super soft)
• Watermelon and bananas (This is just a me thing. They work for most people with GP)
•  Spaghetti/Marinara sauces
• Onions
• Salads
• Acidic juices (orange juice, grapefruit juice, etc.)
• Peanut Butter

Apparently I focus more on what I can eat and not what I cannot. Now, this may not be a complete guide. The diet varies daily and things change from one day to the next. Right now, I have reduce my dairy products drastically (due to my throat and vocal issues) and cut out chocolate (to reduce acid). Who knew chocolate was something that would create acid.

It does not offend me when people ask what I can and cannot eat. It actually is nice. Feel free to comment with questions or of things that may or may not work for you, with your condition. I will update this list if I think of more. 

Acceptance

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune." - William James

When someone gives you a gift on your birthday, it is usually not difficult to accept it. We are also able to accept food, service, friendships, and more. These are things we tend to desire, which makes it easier to receive. However, when life throws us a trial, we struggle to accept it.

It makes perfect sense. Honestly. Why would we accept something that could hurt us? It would be like someone with lactose intolerance accepting a glass of milk or a bunch of cheese. That would be crazy.

Recently, I was given an trial that has become quite difficult. In fact, for a while, I was angry, upset and frustrated with why I had this and would not accept the fact or problem. It has affected my work, social and physical life. There have been so many ups and downs, and twists and turns, that have left me dumbfounded and confused. Then one morning, I came to a realization that I could not control what was going on with my body, but I could control of how I look at it and accepting that this trial is a part of my life. That has made all the difference in the world.

George Orwell has said, "Happiness can exist only in acceptance." How true that is. We become truly happy when we accept whatever we've been given. Looking at a different vista has given me more joy. It doesn't mean that it isn't hard. It does mean that the outcome, whatever it may be, will be what is supposed to happen.

In the end, we can accept what we are given, and hope for more. This quote says it all. "Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." Brendon Francis

A Continuation of My Journey

The months after the diagnosis were very difficult. It was almost like I was attempting to relearn how to eat and how much eat at a time. I felt like a baby, especially when people would suggest that I use baby food to get the needed nutrients. I never could bring myself to try it. I would go to activities and spend time with friends, and would bring my water bottle, and that would be my treat because for the most past, I couldn't eat what they were serving. Not only that, but I seriously had no energy to play and have fun.

People would ask me what I could eat, and I couldn't really tell them, because I couldn't eat. I would tell them I was on a milkshake a day diet. Sounds pretty good, right? False. It was nice in the beginning but it got really old. I was only able to take a drink every 15 minutes. If I did too much more than that, it would not stay. As yummy as milkshakes are, they get old after having one everyday, even if you change flavors. 

I went to a dietitian. She did not know much about my condition and was not able to set up much of a diet for me. She had me write down what I ate and how it worked. She also recommended that I eat empty calories, such as fat free candies. She said that she had never told anyone to do that before, but I needed those calories to function. She did give me some suggestions.

I would drink Boost everyday and attempt to make smoothies with Carnation Instant Breakfast. I would always attempt to try to eat something semi-solid for dinner. Somethings worked and some didn't. One thing that worked one day, would not work the next day. 

My original plan was to attend college for the fall semester, but because my health was out of control, that was not an option. I ended up working full-time instead. There were okay days, bad days, and really tough days. Honestly not sure how I made it through. My job changed a bit once the fall semester started, my job changed a bit, which helped, but it was still incredibly difficult to make it through an 8-hour day. 

With time, I began to realize foods that I could and couldn't eat. White bread, peaches, nutritional drinks, tended to work. It was still a little awkward socially but I learned to explain it and then go with the flow. I began to adapt to what I could eat and the amounts, even though I didn't have much self control in some times. This is about the time when I realized that I need to accept the condition and explain it to people to try to help them understand. It changed my attitude and helped people to see me in the a different light.

Before this realization, I would go places and not eat. When I wouldn't eat, I would make excuses like "I'm not hungry" or "I've already eaten" to avoid bringing up the stomach condition. Sometimes I felt like people would look at me and think "Wow, she's too good to eat with us", when in reality I just didn't want to bring up the reason why I wasn't eating. After I began to explain it to people, there was a different light shed. They would understand a little more why I wasn't eating, which was nice. 

That has become something common now. It is so much better to accept what you have, explain it to people so they understand, and then go on with your life doing what is best for you.